


Beeeeeeeeeeeeep

by RurouniHime



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Explicit Language, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 13:57:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14770907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RurouniHime/pseuds/RurouniHime
Summary: You've reached the voicemail of Steve Rogers...(aka, you told me you were going to set up a real world voicemail account for Captain America's flip phone, Russos, OF COURSE this happened.)





	Beeeeeeeeeeeeep

**Author's Note:**

> No spoilers.

**1**

_"Hi. If you are operating a stolen phone at this moment, you've reached the voicemail of Get Off This Damn Line Before I Track Your Sim Card and String You Up Like the Thief You Are. Hang up. If your initials are T.S., don't go anywhere, I'll call you right back, I swear."_

 

**2**

_"If you're calling to report a violent incident for which you need the assistance of one experienced with punching Hitler, press one. If you're calling to report an impending but non-emergent threat for which you require the services of a trained undercover operative, press two. If you're calling to bitch me out for a poorly conceived piece of correspondence, I'M SORRY, ALRIGHT? I had to write it quickly, Interpol was outside the FedEx store, and why don't you ever leave a fucking message? Shit."_

 

**3**

_"Hi, you've reached the voicemail of Steven Grant Rogers, formerly Captain America! Due to unforeseen circumstances, I'm currently screening my calls, but I value your time, so please leave your name and number. Speak clearly and slowly, and I'll get back to you as soon as I'm not being pursued by US Secretary of State Thaddeus Ross's Geneva Convention-violating assassins. Godspeed."_

 

**4**

_"If this is Secretary Ross again, please place this phone as far up your assets as you can reach, and thank you for your call, sir, you know how much I value and respect our military. If this is Tony again, Sam canceled his subscription to Flyboys Quarterly when you texted last month. Stop trying to get him to send you money, you're a damned billionaire."_

 

**5**

_"Thanks for calling Nomads-R-Us, your one-stop shop for all things egregiously v-necked! We specialize in ass kicking, ball busting, and fussy but heartfelt moralizing. Packages range from thirty to four hundred US dollars, with specials available on weekends. All assistance for former friends who may or may not be talking to us includes a complimentary back rub and candlelight oh shit—Hey, Buck, have you seen my—what the hell,_ give _me that, I said I'd do it, you—"_

 

BEEEEEEEEEEEP...

**Author's Note:**

> I would have called this number once a day, legal team. Just so you know.


End file.
